Torquay United Fans Forum

Saw both 'Bayo's today. Akinfenwa neither looks muscly nor fat - cannot work that one out. Any road up, he's bleedin' humongous. Unnaturally so. He missed an open goal for the Wombles today and other than that had me working out just how he was still getting paid to play football.

Azeez on the other hand although also missing a first half sitter looks every bit the lively player Torquay had on loan last season. He was brought off late on.

I hope it will be accepted that I can convey a neutral perspective on the current plight of TUFC without gratuitous infant remarks? Thankyou.

First of all Brucie. I take my hat off mate - you are f*cking hilarious. Not in a sarcastic sense but truly, reading about your arse being a cream cracker is ingenious and is what football forums should be all about. Secondly you omit to mention that the remnants of a shockingly poor Torquay United relegation side with a few new additions on a budget and a manager who is pretty clueless (blatantly obvious to anyone weeks after he took charge) are currently sitting 4 points from a play off spot with a game in hand.

Now if, and that is IF, I was an ardent Gull and taking the whole picture into consideration then I'd be steaming now and then about some inept performances for sure, but I'd also get a firm grip on reality.

Start of the season mid table would have been fine. A play off push attainable perhaps, automatic not a chance in hell. Anyone who harboured hopes of the automatic spot should be avoided as they may be dangerous. CH had a humongous job on his hands even if he were the right man for the job so I think that despite his inexperience and STILL relentless conveyor belt of bizarre decisions he has done a pretty decent job considering.

Now for those of you who travelled to places like Kiddy, Telford and Alfreton and saw a big pile of cack, I fully understand your need to rant about this. Believe me so would I but when you are near the top of the league you can afford to have context.

I still want to know though how the **** Nico managed to score today. The laws of the ex just are predictably sinister.

Look at the bigger picture and if you reach the play offs you'll be wondering why all the fuss.

What has the away support been like this season in terms of numbers and vocals anyway? The back step army still putting in their shifts?

Crazy to turn on the players when you are 4 points off the play offs. If some of these wasters like Cruise actually get their fingers out of their colon then the team will improve and a play off spot will be there for you. If they carry on as they are you'll be comfortably mid table with an outside chance of play offs come the end. As most fans with a brain would have expected.

It's really up to them and CH to rectify a good few years of turmoil both on and off the pitch and there are some players and board members who are completely genuine and want to do the best they can both for the club and for their own personal self respect. Believe in these and forget about the Hawleys, Cruises and Tonges.

Everything is awesome.

John Marquis has a month to try and secure a contract at another club or force his way into the Millwall side apparently. What a cheating arsehole. He's got no chance. Perhaps the most blatant 'fall to the ground clutching my face' episodes in the history of the sport today. Frustrated by nearly putting Minstermen centre half Keith Lowe in casualty moments earlier. Inevitably subbed early in the second.

Decent piece about the incident in the Cheltenham Town programme today even quoting verbatim excerpts from this very site. I think Danny got a few paragraphs and also the Candyman got more than a few mentions. Quite funny tbh. One thing is for sure, it's certainly given TUFC some exposure!

THE THING - A deeply shit your pants movie about Alan Knill.

THE CONJURING - A devilish tale about a demonic presence called Alan Knill who manages to somehow nearly destroy a football club whilst in receipt of monies and then emerges from the depths of hell (well, bottom of league 2) out of a magicians hat and straight into Sixfields. True evil.

THE FAIR STITCHED PROJECT - A short movie based on the premise of The Conjuring where possessed demon Alan Knill battles an army of yellow angels and escapes from a life of sin and purgatory that he himself had created to become the ultimate ...........................AN ASSISTANT COBBLER.

THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD - This film was banned in Torquay and then the rest of the country for it's shockingly accurate portrayal of life behind the scenes at the family home of Alan Knill when he returned from work each evening. One particularly unexpected scene was where Knill took a departure from his meticulous 'taking work home with him' routine where he would plough hours into ideas to make simple things become infinitely more difficult on a matchday and he went out on a bicycle ride. Resulting in perhaps the most brutal piece of horror cinema ever seen.....................................the squirrel squish scene. OMFG!! I thought watching Torquay during the Knill years was the ultimate horror but like dear old Irish feminist (one for Gullscorer there) songstress used to sing - NOTHING COMPARES TO THAT!!

INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS - Creepy horror flick about human manipulation. Aliens land on Warbro Road and make their nest inside Plainmoor and then set about cocooning unsuspecting Gulls fans during games who were usually so comatose watching was was being played out in front of them that they become easy prey for the dastardly alien copiers. If that wasn't sinister enough then it later emerges that the premise for the story was based around a true story where some members of the board at a particular football club tried their best into hoodwinking and guilt-tripping fans to continue to going out to work and then handing over lots of money for a desperately poor product and even poorer customer service. The only way they could guarantee bodies through the turnstiles was to either recognise the fans and show some sympathy AND empathy with them in a public display of solidarity OR they could seek out aliens from another galaxy to make copies of those no longer prepared to put up with gross and crass unprofessionalism so that the same number of people will turn up on a matchday.

THE TELFORD EYESORE MASSACRE - Recently released at the box office but flopped badly, just like TUFC on the day. Now has cult B-movie status due to about 14 people in the entire world having watched it. Again, just like on the day.

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN - In this horrific flick, real life events take a turn for the worst when Torquay United football club begin their recruitment process and sign Billy Bodin.

HELLRAISER - Not the one you would automatically assume it to be although this one does involve lots of pins...............being stuck in the eyes of tormented Gulls who declared they would rather commit that act then watch Torquay during the Knill period.

THE BIRDS - A gripping fable of gore when Gilbert is joined by other avian footballing mascots including the monstrous Ozzie the Owl, notorious for being able to rotate his head 360 degrees AND emit pellets. The deadly Camilla Canary puts in an appearance as does Monty Magpie and Eddie the Eagle. Not the bald skier but the mascot of Colchester United. Feathers fly and heads do too in this gore-fest of what happens when these beak baring and flap winged death beasts get angry! Sponsored by BIRDS CUSTARD.

DEAD RINGERS - Men purporting to be footballers look like Messi in training but when matchday comes around they play like assorted characters from the Lego movie.

THE DESCENT - A fly on the wall genre of film which follows a selected handful of Torquay United fans around the country in their relegation scrap of 2013 - 2014. The misery, despair and grim reality as the season unfolds is pure horror gold culminating in an arduous 850 mile round trip to Hartlepool when a tepid 1-0 defeat led to manager Chris Hargreaves offering to buy those that travelled a pint. Harrowing. Really and truly harrowing.

Lastly the final death knell of the season on the road and the seminal moment in the film where 20 Gulls fans dressed as nurses, bears, cowboys and assorted fruits are cruelly taunted by a crèche of Mansfield fans who charged onto the field of battle as it came to pass. A truly earth shattering account from fans who were there followed and bewilderment that afterwards there were no offers of free ciders or indeed passionate rallying cries from the board or a long relentless siege campaign of togetherness and one for all / all for one.

Why oh why?

Jarvo getting a straight red today at Bootham Crescent for a shocking 2 footed tackle on Shrews Nathaniel Knight-Percival. Billy Kee also possibly on his way to York.

Jesus.

You're 6 points off top spot with a game in hand and have had a few suspensions and bad results against lowly opponents (which everyone gets during the course of a season). You should all be over the **** moon at how it's going after witnessing the past 2 seasons. Those that aren't need their bloody heads testing.

182 Torquay fans at Alfreton according to the match report in our local rag today. Just thought some of you would like to know.

Ha Danny lad! One could say I had an epiphany. Anyway, the club would rather have fans like you mate who turn up, play the drums, make an effort for the players and have dodgy views on politics.

I'm fine as I am bud.

Great win for you lot today after a few bad results. I bet you all enjoyed Young's cracker and it ain't even Crimbo yet! The conference is looking tight and a bad run can see you off the pace so I'm pleased you got back on track today. Alfreton next week and if anyone wants a pint and to be shown around the jewel of Derbyshire (joke - obviously it's a complete shithole) then might be tempted to add my attendance. It's only about 8 miles away. In fact I could probably walk it - but won't. I'm massive now, I wouldn't survive the trek. In fact I'm so big I'm stuffing so much Toblerone down my neck that i'm attracting interest from Channel 5 documentary makers. Is anyone actually looking forward to Alfreton? I mean Nailsworth is probably of a similar size but it's picturesque. T

Anyway, it's a chance to see ex Gulls Lathaniel Rowe-Turner and that ultimate professional Karl Hawley.

I think given form and squad depth you should be coming away with 3 points. Any info needed about Alfreton then please do ask.

Pleased for you guys anyway today for the win and you're up there fighting. COYY!

Alfreton is a complete shithole Tomo. I pass through often and I've a friend there too. It's basically a large village that gets it's status from having a train station and a Tesco. There is nothing to do or see. I wasn't trying to elicit responses from people just to wish you all well. Oh, and I DO NOT support Derby! I went once for the experience and it was plastic. I think Taxilady has an inkling where my bread's now buttered. I'm content at last. Like many of you have said, home is where the heart is. It's like I was never away.

Hopefully I may return to Plainmoor again one day but for now I just wanted to pass on my regards and to say how happy I am for you all to be enjoying football once again. Football brings people together and does great things. Hopefully both of these for TUFC this season. Dover and out.

No agenda here, I just wanted to come on and say how delighted I am at how well you are doing this season. Top spot could be hit come 5pm tomorrow and I've been looking out for your results and they've been impressive, especially the win at codheads. I'm so pleased for you all and it looks like the good times are finally coming back again to Plainmoor (sorry - The Launa Stadium hehe!). I wish you well for tomorrow and I hope everyone I had the fortune of meeting is in good health. Up the Gulls!

Anyone who changes their name from a dull old fashioned names like Harry Webb to OTHER dull old fashioned names like CLIFF RICHARD should be under suspicion. Harry Webb could have been anything, he could have become a pretentious tit like EXAMPLE. He could have called himself MR HAPPY or HAZY SUMMER. Even PEACE BROTHERS. NO. He chose CLIFF RICHARD. In no way am I casting aspersions on his character but THAT is weird!

It's about context. I'm old fashioned but contrary to Brucie's beliefs I am in my mid to late thirties. You decide.

If I'm on a bus or a train and someone puts their feet on the seats then I get pissed off because it's rude and i'll tell them but I think it's ok to 'rest' feet on the back of the seat in front at a ground if it is unoccupied. Unless the person doing the resting has just stood in the worlds biggest pile of rhino shit then I don't see it as a problem. I think relieving power crazed stewards of their duties would be the most amicable outcome.

House of Magic.

An animated cat saves an old house from being bought by strangers.

What more could you ask for?

I took my little one to see this at Chesterfield cineworld and as I'm doing the Paleo diet, I brought in a Tupperware container full of nuts and seeds to munch on instead of remortgaging my house to buy carcinogenic confectionary from the 'candy store' inside. The cinema attendant was quite forthright in informing me that I was forbidden to take in to the auditorium my bottle of water pre bought and my cache of rodent enticing snacks. I just basically said to her, "look love, it's against my human rights to prohibit me from taking in water and it's also against my human rights to prohibit me taking in my glittering selection of pumpkin and sunflower seeds as I'm on a special diet and cannot consume your ghastly concoction of chemical-based multi-coloured sweeties".

She let me in with them.

She either thought I was crazy and didn't want the hassle (part of the cunning plan) or was just on minimum wage and thought, "**** it, I don't get paid enough for this shit - in you go".

Either way I enjoyed the best cartoon cat since Sylvester capering about causing 'mild peril'. Shit hot!!