Yes, I will be 30 something when we take to the pitch on Saturday although I don't look it. Clearly I'm blessed with great skin and tone and no amount of Oil of Ulay could ever replicate the natural effect that 20 years of alcohol abuse and Haribo Starmix has given me. So many happy returns to me and the ideal birthday present would be a win and other teams to do us a favour so we can take it to the last day.
Any presents would be gratefully received, a pair of socks perhaps so I can have a go at that new craze 'cock in a sock' which I would be............quite literally. Alternatively I'd appreciate a DVD of our season highlights which obviously would include errr, it would include the errrr, umm, errrr.........the win at Pompey. Yes, that would be a clear highlight as would be me starting off a chant at Hartlepool singing "Give us a T!......." then spelling Torquay wrong and looking like a total bellend. Hey, it's cool. I can take it now. The CBT has been a revelation.
Also the shouts to Alan Knill about it 'feeling like a win' when we were getting battered - again - were a particular highlight as was singing 'The Chase' theme tune at Burton. Me taking a drum to Accrington and using what could only be described as a thick pencil to beat it with before it snapping almost immediately could be chucked in too. Me breaking down on the M18 trying to bolt it to Rochdale was memorable as was the £800 car repair bill and also the pleasant experience of tumultuous stomach cramps after consuming a 'offal derived from dead equines from Hungary pasty' at York whilst simultaneously bravely trying to fend off the pungent stenches that were seeping from the arse crack of SuperNickyWroe on an all too regular basis.
Seeing some of our fans head off to the club bar mid-second half of our abject defeat at Scunny was funny and for a bit of nature, witnessing the apocalyptic maelstrom of a thunderstorm during our game at Gigg Lane was a sight to behold - as was actually winning the game and also walking past an actual dead cat outside Aldi in Fleetwood brought me closer to nature on my footballing travails.
Having the privilege of viewing first hand the sublime and well crafted sculpture of the Oxford Ox standing proudly outside such a shithole of a stadium like the Kassam was also a cultural nadir for me as was going to Morecambe and seeing a caravan holiday park opposite the ground and then the prime exhibit - the statue of Eric Morecambe. OMFG! I nearly pooed myself seeing that sculpture in the flesh. It shat on the Oxford Ox hands down. I'm now open to new culture. In fact Andrew Graham-Dixon has me booked for next week.
Failing that I'd accept a magazine subscription to Farmers Weekly so I can find my way to all the rural backwaters we'll be playing at next season. North Ferriby has some superbly fertile flatland fed by the Humber estuary and I believe Nailsworth lies on chalk grassland perfect for cows, sheep and other ungulates.
As a last resort you can bung some cash in an envelope and mums the word. Just cash though, no debit or credit card payments.
As I digress into the eclectic but subjective world of culture, it brings me onto our opponents........Mansfield. In geographical terms a small unassuming Nottinghamshire mining town derided for eternity by striking miners north of the border (Notts /Yorks not Scotland) during the troubles and in footballing terms a renowned awkward group of players to play against but who now have the last laugh on us because we are going back to where they have just come from. They also have the superbly named local rag THE CHAD. I have no idea whether any African immigrants settled in Blidworth post war and decided to create a newspaper but nonetheless it's an interesting title.
Famous people from the town include the swimmer Rebecca Adlington who is very talented and also the tv host Richard Bacon who isn't.
I live 12 miles from Mansfield and visit regularly as my mates brother lives there. We never visit the town because, I'm sure the Mansfield townsfolk would agree - it's a bit standard but then again so are most towns in the UK. I neither wish to buy meat from a vehicle nor spend my entire visit watching my feet to ensure I don't step in a wad of gozz.
Gozz (or spit) for the southeners is a new phenomenon that has now replaced dog shit and chewing gum as the number 1 street filth. It is everywhere nowadays. Big greenies, thick lumps of mucusy phlegm just deposited onto the streets willy nilly by scruffy chavs who have now become more of a health concern than swine flu. The stuff is everywhere and on a regular basis I walk past someone who thinks nothing of clearing their throat and flinging one off right in front of me. Dirty filthy bastards.
That aside, there is loads to do around Mansfield if you've time. I take my little one there to Water Meadows Swimming Centre which is 100 yards round the corner from Field Mill. It has slides and water. We also go to a kids theme park called Wheelgate which is out the other side of Mansfield. Then there is Sherwood Forest, Clumber Park and Rufford Park, all fine country parks with plenty to see and do if you like history and the outdoors. We go most weeks to get some fresh air. In actual fact Clumber Park boasts the longest unbroken line of lime trees in Europe I believe.
These are good things about Mansfield and the fact that they, like myself aren't fond of the Spireites. Chesterfield is a much nicer town to live in but Mansfield appear to be operating within their means which helps make league 2 a more level playing field. I'm glad they have regained their league status and have made a good fist of it on a fairly tight budget. Their fans are a great bunch, down to earth and we now have something that unites us because we've all experienced the conference. Should Northampton hopefully come down with us and expect and easy swift return then they are very much mistaken. It's an arse of a league filled with ex league clubs, talented non league clubs and clubs from tiny hamlets that should really be playing in the pub leagues.
Anyway, Field Mill (or One Call Stadium as it's now known) is a pleasant enough ground on Quarry Lane and there is a club car park at a fee which can take you 10-20 minutes to get out of after the game. You can also park around the corner at the Water Meadows pay and display but don't park on the retail park because you will get a ticket. I've always wondered about parking on retail parks. For example, if I park behind Field Mill in the retail park and buy a small pack of hamster bedding from Pets at Home then technically I've made a purchase and I can park free of charge then yes? Is that how it works?
Around the ground the town centre is a 5 minute walk across the road and there is a Burger King on the retail park. I don't know about pubs though. If any of you are peckish I can recommend a carvery type pub on the main road into Mansfield if you get off the M1 at J29. It is called THE YOUNG VANISH and my family and I often go on the way back from swimming for a carvery. It's cheap and cheerful.
I'd recommend getting off the M1 at J29 and then following the road towards Mansfield. When you get to a set of lights with a Tesco sign on your right then take the right turn at the lights, go past the fire station and straight up and eventually after a few minutes you'll see the ground on your right. It's a piece of piss and better than leaving the M1 at J28. The motorway has no hard shoulder and has been restricted to 50mph from Nottingham onwards whilst blokes in high vis jackets on circa £25k a year piss about with it between 2 hour breaks sat in vans perusing The Sun. So expect a few delays especially if someone breaks down.
I've been to Field Mill 5 times. Twice in the away end, once in the home end and once when it was postponed. I went under Leroy when it postponed on a night game when there was deemed be a frozen strip of pitch which the ref deemed unplayable about 15 minutes before kick off. ****. I went to the rearranged game when I think we lost 2-1 and I left my scarf behind by accident. I then went to a game where we got mullered 5-0 and then I went (coincidentally on my birthday 2 years back with a couple of mates) in the home end on the day Rotherham sent the Stags down to the conference when chaos ensued afterwards and the then chairman Keith Haslam had to be locked in with coppers for his own safety!
Apologies Stags fans but that day was pure comedy gold. The stadium announcer bloke was saying "we know who you are" when fans invaded the pitch and the whole afternoon took on a Phoenix Nights-esque comedy element to it with a hint of Benny Hill. I can totally appreciate that Stags lost their league status that day but as a neutral it was **** hilarious (the events not Stags going down I must add so not trying to rub it in). Not to worry Stags, you are league 2 now and we ain't so no hard feelings eh? I also went to the FA Cup game where Benners scored late on to give us a 1-0 win to the disappointment of a handful of bedraggled tracksuit wearing baseball cap donning Stags fans who enjoyed goading us all game in their brave positions near the away end. Those Jezza Kyle knuckleheads aside I wish MTFC all the best for next season. Anyway, some of these blokes must have been post 40, who the bloody hell wears a tracksuit and a baseball cap who is over 25? It's fashion suicide!! Get yersen to Jacamo lads! XXXXXL heaven.
I've also been a Stags fan for the day at away games on 2 occasions. I went to Chester the season they went bust when Stags lost 1-0 and also to Chesterfield a few years back at Saltergate in the FA Cup when I was in the away terrace and Chesterfield won. Bugger!!
I reckon as many Gulls as possible should try and get to this and I'd really like to see some belief and backing from the club to prove we are all in it together by offering free or subsidised travel and / or tickets. If the fans are busting a gut then so should our backroom of stuffy suits.
Mansfield have made getting a ticket a bit of a mare as no tickets will be available on the day. They can only be purchased from Plainmoor which is fine if you live in Torquay but if you live 12 miles away from Field Mill like I do and am not permitted to pick one up from Mansfield NOR have no access to a credit or debit card due to living life like an irresponsible **** then it becomes a problem. Thankfully my good man Bengull will sort it out,get me ticket and I will be able to add my vocals on Saturday. Ben, I know you're a hard worker but there's no affection ok? The pie is in the post.
The Stags lost 2-0 at home to Cheltenham on Easter Monday thus ending any slim play off hopes and after the game their boss Paul Cox had this to say.
"There was a lack of hunger, a lack of desire. It was a performance that lacked everything........."
At least it's good to know what Torquay fans have been feeling like most of the season anyway. WE ARE NOT ALONE! =D
Cheltenham boss Mark Yates said, "Mansfield have got a way of playing that suits them. They've got pace and power and you have to deal with crosses".
Well we haven't got any of those things and can't stop the other team from scoring (1 clean sheet from the last 17) and given that the win over Exeter was the first time we had come from behind to win since August then it would be reasonable to assume that should the Stags go ahead then that will be that. We wait and see.
I really don't care what players they have. It doesn't matter. They could have Lionel Messi, Pele and Billy Bodin and it wouldn't matter - we still have to win at all costs.
Bizarrely I actually think that God is an Exeter fan and he will oversee victories over Mansfield and Wycombe and yet we will cruelly lose out on the last day somehow.
I'm going for a 1-0 Gulls win and I have no idea why.
Lots are going in fancy dress for this and given that I am Anthea then maybe I should go in A fancy dress. Either that or a basque. Either way it's illegal. I could go dressed as Billy Bodin or Ben Harding but I've run out of Vosene and VO5, I thought about Dracula but this season sucks enough already and I ruled out Peter Cushing as I've seen enough horror shows. I'll go as a pirate because it may be symbolic that Bristol Rovers will go down instead of us and also because there are players who have found the treasure chest by signing for us and then doing piss all for the remainder of their contracts. All hail the good ship Speedy Return!! AHOY THERE ME HEARTIES!! YOU MUST WALK THE PLANK ONCE AND FOR ALL! GOODBYE AND BE GONE!!
COME ON YOU **** YELLOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS IT!!!! SEE YOU ALL THERE YOU BLOODY LUNATICS!!!!
