FUNNY Jokes, FUNNY Tubes & FUNNY Video Clips

[EmetEdadsBeard]

A Geordie mate of mine picked up a prossy in Wigan. They agreed the price and she took him to her flat where the deed was to be done. He drops his keks.

"Bye 'eck thats a rare Guddun" says the prossy
"Whats a rare Guddun?" mate asks
"It means a big one" she replies, and takes off her knickers.
"Why hi, thats a canny 'un" says my mate.
"Whats a canny 'un? asks the lady
"A fookin' big valley that cowboys ride through" came the reply............... :mrgreen:

[EmetEdadsBeard]

Me and my missus had a blazing row earlier and I ended up giving her a clout. Half an hour later we ended up having the best, dirtiest sex ever!........
well I did, she's still unconcious..........................

[EmetEdadsBeard]

I went to a funeral yesterday with my new girlfriend. It was the first time I've met her family, f*ck me they're miserable b*st*rds.

[Trojan 67]

Happy New Easter and Best Wishes to all for 1911 from everybody at the Alziemers Society.


See you at the Bonfire and Fireworks next week and don't forget to bring your swimsuits and Valentine's Day cards.

[EmetEdadsBeard]

There was a Look-A-Like contest held in China last week.
Every f*cker won!

[EmetEdadsBeard]

The family wheeled grandma out onto the lawn in her wheelchair where the activities to celebrate her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, so she wrote notes if she needed to communicate.
After a short time grandma started leaning to the right, so some of the family grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed some pillows down her right side.
A short time later she started to lean to the left, so they grabbed her again, more pillows were brought and stuffed down her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so once again the family members grabbed her and tied a pillow around her waist to hold her up.
One of her grandsons arrived late.
"Hi Grandma, how are you and are they treating you well?" he asked.
Grandma took out her notepad and slowly wrote............








No, the b*st*rds wont let me fart!

[Trojan 67]

Somebody complimented on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen saying . . .



Parking fine

[EmetEdadsBeard]

A mate of mine was called out to repair a dishwasher for a lady. On arrival he was greeted at the door by said lady and behind her was the most enormous bulldog he had ever seen. She said she had to go out, but not to worry about the dog as he wouldn't bother him, but under no circumstances must he talk to her parrot.
He got on with the job wary of the meanest looking dog he'd ever seen, but as she had said the dog just sat watching him. The parrot however was driving him nuts, squawking and swearing at him, calling him all the names under the sun. Finally, after half a hour he snaps and shouts " will you shut up you annoying fooker!"
The parrot goes quiet for about 5 seconds then says "get him Spike!" :mrgreen:

[EmetEdadsBeard]

So the Lone Ranger finally gets caught by some indians, and the Chief, who has great respect for him says, "In three days I'm going to kill you, but because of who you are I'm going to grant you three last wishes. What is your first wish?" "I'd like to speak to my horse Silver please" says the Ranger. Chief nods and The Lone Ranger whispers in the horses ear, and immediately the horse gallops off and a couple of hours later returns with a beautiful brunette who proceeds to spend the night with the Ranger.
Next day the Chief says "I'm impressed, but what is your second wish?" "I'd like to talk to Silver again please" says the Ranger. Chief nods, Ranger whispers and horse gallops off only to return with an even more stunning blonde on his back, who also spends the rest of the day and night with the Lone Ranger.
Next day Chief says "You've got some style, death awaits yet you act as if nothing is to happen. What is your third and final wish?" "I'd like to talk to my horse again" says the Ranger. Chief nods, and The Lone Ranger walks to Silver, looks him straight in the eye and says "Get it right this time you cloth eared ****, BRING POSSE" :mrgreen:

[Trojan 67]

Patient : “Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my arse.”


Doctor : “I ve got some cream for that.”

[EmetEdadsBeard]

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting.
He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'
God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'
'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth.'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot.Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'
God continued, pointing to the different countries.
This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'
'Ah,' said God. That's Yorkshire, the heart of northern England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, with many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the Yorkshire are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South!'

(Or how to lose loads of friends in one easy go!! :mrgreen: )

[EmetEdadsBeard]

Infant teacher in Plymouth asks the class who supports Argyle. All put their hands up except little Jimmy. Teacher asks who he supports and Jimmy says "Torquay United". Teacher asks why and Jimmy says "My parents both come from there and support them so I do too" Teacher says "You don't have to copy your parents, what would you do if your dad was a heroin addict and your mum was a prostitute?"
Jimmy ponders and replies "I'd support Argyle like the rest of you t**ts"

[Trojan 67]

The two jokes above :

[EmetEdadsBeard]

The two jokes above :

Angling for 'Member of the Month' votes, although the first one doesn't look like a good idea on hindsight! :Oops:

[Scott Brehaut]

Angling for 'Member of the Month' votes, although the first one doesn't look like a good idea on hindsight! :Oops:

On the contary Emet, my dear fellow, after that joke I am sure many of us Southerners have made you their "member" of the month....