FUNNY Jokes, FUNNY Tubes & FUNNY Video Clips

[Gullscorer]

As a female shopper left a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran off.

The store security man called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give the police a detailed description of the snatcher.

Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.

The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID.

To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

[PhilGull]

As a female shopper left a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran off.

The store security man called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give the police a detailed description of the snatcher.

Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.

The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID.

To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

I can't be the only one. What?

[Gullscorer]

You could indeed be the only one.. :~D

How about this:

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So an official went to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.

'There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names,' a consultant told the official, 'but they are mostly freight locomotives.'

'Oh dear, a freight locomotive isn't very fitting for a party leader,' said Sir Humphrey. 'How about that big green one, over there?' he asked, pointing to the 'Flying Scotsman'.

'That one has already got a name,' said the consultant. 'It's called 'Flying Scotsman'.'

'Couldn't we rename it?' asked the official.

'I suppose for Alex Salmond it might be considered,' said the consultant.

'That's excellent,' said the official, 'so that's settled then. Let's look at re-naming the 'Flying Scotsman'. How much will it cost? Remember we can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal.'

'Well,' said the consultant, 'Why don't we just paint out the F ?'

[Gullscorer]

[Glostergull]

[quote="Gullscorer"][/quote

Isnt that Sepp blatter when they told him they were going to have an enquiry into corruption in the fifa hq
or Exeter when they were told plymouth were going to win the league
Or us when Rovers said they would do the double over us this year

[Gullscorer]

=D I think it's probably this:

[youtube]ON17jEIJ7z4[/youtube]

[Gullscorer]

Everyone likes a banana. After all, they do have a peel..

Irish scientists have developed a robotic moon explorer which will parachute down to the moon’s surface to carry out mapping and research.

A man has been arrested on charges of a salt and pepper spray possession..

[Gullscorer]

On his 70th birthday, an American man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, ''This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working. "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

[EmetEdadsBeard]

I can't be the only one. What?

PhilGull, believe me, you're not the only one.

[EmetEdadsBeard]

You could indeed be the only one.. :~D

How about this:

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So an official went to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.

'There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names,' a consultant told the official, 'but they are mostly freight locomotives.'

'Oh dear, a freight locomotive isn't very fitting for a party leader,' said Sir Humphrey. 'How about that big green one, over there?' he asked, pointing to the 'Flying Scotsman'.

'That one has already got a name,' said the consultant. 'It's called 'Flying Scotsman'.'

'Couldn't we rename it?' asked the official.

'I suppose for Alex Salmond it might be considered,' said the consultant.

'That's excellent,' said the official, 'so that's settled then. Let's look at re-naming the 'Flying Scotsman'. How much will it cost? Remember we can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal.'

'Well,' said the consultant, 'Why don't we just paint out the F ?'

FFS I think my spleen has split.............

[Gullscorer]

I've been searching back through this thread for something you've posted which is even remotely humorous and gave up after nearly a dozen pages; hardly any real attempts at humour, and many of your posts have been outright weird. So I won't bother explaining any jokes to you. But perhaps you'll understand this (though probably not) :~D :

[youtube]C3Zn3M-WMzM[/youtube]

[Gullscorer]

An Asian lady in a small bank queue finally saw the 'customer service advisor' to exchange yen for pounds. It was obvious she was very irritated ...

She asked, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat pown fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The advisor shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady said, "Fluc you white people too."

[Gullscorer]

[youtube]-4EDhdAHrOg[/youtube]

[Gullscorer]

Some of the funniest jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2014:

1."I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust"
- Tim Vine.

2."I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set"
- Masai Graham.

3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" :-|
- Mark Watson.

4."I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos"
- Bec Hill.

5."I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me"
- Ria Lina.

6."Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal"
- Paul F Taylor.

7."Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" :-|
- Scott Capurro.

8."I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven"
- Jason Cook.

9."This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" 8-]
- Felicity Ward.

[PhilGull]

A sad face for number 5 and happy face for number 8. Just about sums you up.