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I have just formed a new band called 999 mb. we havn't done a gig yet.

An ancient Greek walks into his tailor's shop with a torn pair of pants.

"Euripides?" Asks the tailor.

"Yeah, Eumenides?" Replies the man

The teacher said; "Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.'"

Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly.

"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"

"I'm waiting for my secretary," Joe replied

A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hi, where am I?"

The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane."

The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers asked the pilot how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office, and from there, the airport is just 5 miles away on a bearing of 87 degrees!"

Glostergull wrote:A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hi, where am I?"

The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane."

The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers asked the pilot how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office, and from there, the airport is just 5 miles away on a bearing of 87 degrees!"

I read this just after my PC crashed...

see.. not all my jokes are rubbish. lol

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some advice to his
granddaughter. He told her that the secret to a long life was to
sprinkle a pinch of Gunpowder onto her porridge every morning. The
granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the
venerable age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren,
25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot crater where the
crematorium used to be...

oohh thats brilliant. lolol did that make oi larf

"Geordie the penguin" . . . -> . . .

Have you seen the price of velcro recently?

What a rip-off.

"I heard you got married again."
"Yes, for the fourth time."
"What happened to the first three?"
"They all died."
"What happened?"
"My first wife ate poison mushrooms."
"How sad. What happened to your second wife?"
"She ate poison mushrooms too."
"What about the third wife. Did she eat poison mushrooms?"
"No, she died of a broken neck."
"Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that. How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

Gullscorer wrote:"I heard you got married again."
"Yes, for the fourth time."
"What happened to the first three?"
"They all died."
"What happened?"
"My first wife ate poison mushrooms."
"How sad. What happened to your second wife?"
"She ate poison mushrooms too."
"What about the third wife. Did she eat poison mushrooms?"
"No, she died of a broken neck."
"Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that. How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

There's a version of that joke in one of the Carry On films, I'm sure of it. Just can't remember which one!!

I had a feeling it came from Morecambe and Wise.

Saw a film the other day, 'A Back Passage to India'.

It was shite..

I arrived home last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife.
"Get your lips off my wife," I snapped pulling him off her.
"But sir, I'm not kissing her!" he pleaded. "She's stopped breathing."
"Do I need to repeat myself?"