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FUNNY Jokes, FUNNY Tubes & FUNNY Video Clips

Post by Gullscorer » 03 Mar 2017, 13:42

EmetEdadsBeard wrote:
28 Feb 2017, 21:16
So I says to Mrs Beard, "lets go out to eat tonight."
She came back with the classic, "I have nothing to wear" reply.
So I said to her, "just wear what you had on the last time we went out, you looked beautiful."
So there we were in the local Italian restaurant, me in jeans and a nice shirt, and her in her wedding dress! :-/
You see? Jokes don't have to be disgustingly dirty and crude to be funny. :)

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Post by EmetEdadsBeard » 19 Mar 2017, 17:48

Mrs Beard parked the car in town, and I immediately got my mobile out to make a call.

"Who are you calling?" She asked.

"A taxi" I replied "I'm not walking to the kerb from here." :-/
'Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level then beat you with their experience!

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Post by EmetEdadsBeard » 19 Mar 2017, 17:51

What game can you play with a wombat?




Wom. :rofl:
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Post by EmetEdadsBeard » 19 Mar 2017, 17:58

Two couples were playing cards.
Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor, and when he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave’s wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear!
Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, “Did you see anything under the table that you liked?”
Jeff admitted, “Well, yes I did.”
She said “you can have it, but it will cost you £100.”
After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested.
She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn’t, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM.
After paying her the £100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, “Did Jeff come by this afternoon?”
Totally shocked, Sandy replied, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.”
Next Dave asked, “Did Jeff give you £100?”
Sandy thought, ‘Oh hell, he knows!’ Reluctantly she said, “Yes, he did give me £100.”
“Good,” Dave says.
“Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the £100 from me and said that he’d stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It’s so good to have a friend you can trust.” :-o
'Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level then beat you with their experience!

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Post by EmetEdadsBeard » 21 Mar 2017, 14:18

Went to the doctors today, he told me I have Joe Hart disease.

"No idea how I caught that" came my sarcastic reply............ :-/
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Post by westbaygull » 21 Mar 2017, 20:18

EmetEdadsBeard wrote:
19 Mar 2017, 17:51
What game can you play with a wombat?




Wom. :rofl:
Excellent :~D

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Post by EmetEdadsBeard » 22 Mar 2017, 17:51

I asked Mrs Beard to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub to watch the match.



Shouldn't be a problem as she always said she wanted a night in, shining armour. :}
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Post by Gullscorer » 27 Mar 2017, 18:08

Ken Dodd's full name is Kenneth Arthur Tuesday Dodd, because when he was born his father said, 'I think we should call it a day.'

The first words my mother said to me when I was born were: 'I was expecting you.'

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Post by EmetEdadsBeard » 28 Mar 2017, 18:53

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said: "Can you describe the symptoms?"

"Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair" I replied.......... :-/
'Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level then beat you with their experience!

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Post by EmetEdadsBeard » 02 Apr 2017, 22:49

Two little old ladies are looking in a shop window, wondering which ornament to buy.

One points and says "That's the one I'd get".

Then a cyclops comes around the corner and punches her in the face. :-/
'Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level then beat you with their experience!

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Post by EmetEdadsBeard » 08 Apr 2017, 09:51

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died.


His family are taking it hard. :-/
'Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level then beat you with their experience!


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Post by Gullscorer » 08 Apr 2017, 21:19

I told my doctor: I'm depressed, I live alone and I feel so lonely.

The doctor said: You're never alone with schizophrenia.


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Post by S4fedr1ve » 08 Apr 2017, 21:43



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Post by EmetEdadsBeard » 14 Apr 2017, 16:32

Little 5 year old Mary sees a group of workmen turn up next door to build an extension.
She takes an interest and starts to talk to them. The builders, with hearts if gold, adopt her as their site mascot. After a week they present her with a Pink hard hat and gloves. Even a wage packet of £5.

"Goodness" says Mummy smiling, "are you working there next week?".
Mary replies: "I think so Mummy, provided those w**kers at Travis Perkins deliver the f**kin bricks!!". :oops:
'Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level then beat you with their experience!

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