Torquay United Fans Forum

My Grandad was a baker for the army....



When he went to war, he went in all buns glazing.

A mate of mine has invented some chicken resistant grass. I asked him how good it was.

"Impeccable” he replied

My car wouldn't start so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine.
“Hello Mr Beard" he said, "you are a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed too".
I immediately spotted the problem...
Bat flattery

I went round to a mate of mines, his wife has just had a new baby, who he was feeding when I arrived.
"Do you want to wind him?" asks my mate.
I thought that was a bit much, so I just gave him a dead leg instead. =Z

SuperNickyWroe wrote: ↑24 Jun 2019, 08:42 :no: Absolute shockers Mick. :slap:

Cheers Chris, glad to be appreciated.....

Imagine aliens landing tomorrow. Aliens "Earthlings, bring us your leaders, we need to talk to your top people" (Trump, Johnson, Putin, Kim Jong etc are brought forward) Earthlings " These are our leaders". Aliens " :lol: :lol: :lol: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: brilliant, we love i...

What are they going to do at their first summit? Exchange colouring books and share their crayons?
We're doomed.......

I went to see one of those faith healers in Liverpool.
He was absolutely rubbish, even the bloke at the front in the wheelchair got up and walked out.......

Janet Street Porter walks into the bar. She says to the barman "Excuse me, could I have a large aperitif".



"I seriously doubt it, love" he replies.

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice &...

Just met a Chinese drug dealer, he said "Have you seen my cocaine"?



........... I said "not since he starred in Zulu"!

I've skim read the thread and this was an unfortunate incident that there is a simple solution to from where I'm standing. While feeling sorry for View1 the people who turned up having pre booked had every right to the seats (although getting a bit aggressive with a bloke with an elderly relative an...

I hate Christmas films, utter shi-ite the lot of them. Mrs Beard starts watching Christmas 24 in about August ffs!

I watched Dawn Of The Dead (the original 70's film not the crappy remake) on Christmas eve :devil:

Why would you want to 'wolf-whistle' someone? What makes you think it should be an acceptable thing to do? The worlds gone mad (well I think I just answered my own question) if a wolf whistle is unacceptable ffs! When I was a young bloke the ladies would take a wolf whistle as a compliment, that th...

I picked a hitch hiker up late last night. We'd no sooner set off when he said "Thanks, but I'm surprised you picked me up, how do you know I'm not a serial killer?" "Well" I replied, "The chances of two serial killers being in the same car must be astronomical........"...